Survivors guilt
by EvelynWn
Summary: Shisui is ordered to kill the Uchiha clan minus one. Someone has to tell the village what happened after all. But Shisui's obvious choice has an obvious choice of his own. Itachi may never forgive him for this, but really there were no other options to begin with.


Itachi was too smart to be fooled by the likes of Shisui, but that didn't stop him from trying. He remembered every minute his sensei and senpais had spent teaching him the art of deception, applying every trick he knew as his younger cousin approached him. It was too late for him to be out, Shisui knew that. Uncle Fugaku would be furious if he found out Shisui'd dragged his thirteen-year-old cousin out to a ravine in the middle of the night, but Shisui didn't care. Not this time.

"I'm guessing it didn't go well?" Itachi said as he approached their usual meeting place when the didn't want to be discovered. The light of the moon making him look paler than he already was.

Shisui thought carefully before answering, checking his own body language for anything that could reveal too much. "The Hokage is running out of solutions that don't end in violence." Shisui stood from the rock he'd perched on. Measuring just how much anxiety he was allowing himself to show. Too much would make Itachi aware something was wrong but too little would reveal that Shisui was hiding something. There was a thin line in between the two.

"So are we."

"Yeah,"

There was an awkward silence between them as Shisui split his attention between trying to think of something to say and keeping his body under perfect control.

"Shisui, why did you call me out here?" Itachi asked, not sounding impatient so much as worried. Shisui tried to keep himself from panicking, he was doing everything right. Breathing properly, check, not avoiding eye contact but also not staring, check, he hadn't messed up yet. So unless Itachi really could read minds like Izumi insisted he shouldn't have a reason to suspect anything was wrong.

"Do I need a reason to want to hang out with my best friend?" Shisui asked with his usual cheeky grin. Nothing slipping, everything perfect. It had to be when attempting to lie to Itachi Uchiha.

"In the middle of the night? Yes, you do."

"Shit." Shisui gave up, letting all the barriers crash around him. Itachi knew that nothing short of a tragedy would make him risk Fugaku's wrath like this. He'd lost any chance of fooling Itachi before he'd even began. "I'm a terrible ninja."

"The attempt was impressive, if pointless. You might have managed it if you'd waited about three hours for me to wake up naturally."

"Oh," Shisui sat back down, hugging himself tightly as though he was cold. He wasn't, but Itachi wasn't going to ask either way so he could pretend it looked like he was.

"What did Lord Hokage say?" Itachi took a step closer, still not within arm's reach. Shisui hated the worry in his voice. He blamed the Clan for the near permanent bags under Itachi's eyes and the way he always seemed to be hiding in the background as though he wasn't a VIP in his own life. Shisui could hate them all just for that. He'd promised Itachi he'd look out for him but he couldn't compete with thirteen years of Uchiha 'pride' molding Itachi into the perfect little genius.

"They're-" Shisui started but his voice caught and he had to restart. "They've decided they can't risk waiting any longer."

Itachi was better than Shisui at deception but when it came to emotions Shisui could read him flawlessly. It wasn't uncommon for Shisui to know what Itachi was feeling even when Itachi himself wasn't sure.

Now he could see anxiety and even fear in the tension of Itachi's muscles and regret in his eyes.

"How bad is it?" Itachi's voice was barely above a whisper, Shisui knew he didn't want to ask and wished he'd been selfish for once.

"It's bad." Shisui turned away and lowered himself back on the rock.

"Tell me."

"No."

"I can help," Itachi stepped closer, Shisui didn't need to look back at him to see the look on his face. Desperation and hurt but all the while trying futilely to keep it all hidden.

"No," Shisui allowed anger to seep into his voice this time. He wasn't angry, not really, but the thought of Itachi helping him with this was horrifying. He could picture it if he allowed himself the nightmare. Itachi would be useful and the task was difficult even for Shisui. But to ask that of a thirteen-year-old pacifist. Shisui couldn't do it.

Besides he already had plans for Itachi.

Itachi heard the anger regardless of whether Shisui felt it and stopped his hesitant advance. Shisui turned back to look at him, daring him to argue further.

"Okay," Itachi said giving in and trusting his older cousin to know what's best. "Just promise me something."

"What?"

"I know this is going to end with-" Itachi hesitated to say the word. Even a year in Anbu hadn't relieved him of his hatred for death. "-blood. Just promise me, whatever happens, Sasuke will be okay."

Shisui stared at him, his mind flashing faster than Shisui himself could. "Sasuke…" he repeated trying to not let anything show. He berated himself internally for not expecting this. Itachi's little brother hadn't even factored into the equation when Shisui had considered his options. He was so used to Itachi looking out for Sasuke that he'd never bothered to do so himself. But that was an option this time. Itachi couldn't protect Sasuke from this. And it stung that Itachi didn't even attempt to argue for his own life though that was expected of the young ninja. If Shisui lied to him now Itachi would never forgive him, worse Itachi would never trust him again.

Then again, did that really even matter at this point? Itach was, and always would be Shisui's top priority, even if Itachi wasn't his own priority.

"Of course," Shisui, once again, checked his posture and examined his tone. Nothing could slip, not a hint of a lie, or they'd be fighting to the death right here and now. Sasuke was the only thing Itachi would kill even his best friend for. Even the Leaf Village itself wasn't quite that valuable to the shinobi; close, but not quite. "Sasuke is innocent, the Hokage knows that."

Itachi examined him and Shisui let him, trusting his own ninja skills, though he'd never managed to fool Itachi before. This time, however, Itachi's very life was on the line, as he wouldn't put it past the thirteen-year-old to kill himself and take the choice out of Shisui's hands entirely.

"Okay," Itachi nodded. Shisui didn't celebrate fooling his young cousin for the first time. Not even after Itachi left and it was safe to scream and cry and throw things. All of which Shisui did do, all night long.

#

Speed was key to this mission. Itachi probably could have just overwhelmed the clan with thousands of kunai and powerful jutsu, but Shisui just needed his speed and a bit of stealth. One house cleared and quiet before moving on to the other if even one cousin or aunt warned the rest it was over, but even when they caught wind of his intent and tried to run Shisui caught up before they'd even made it out of the house. There was no running and screaming, no blood splattered on the walls or bodies strewn out in the streets, there was only silence and death.

It was fast and it was quiet and little Sasuke didn't feel a thing, didn't even wake up. Fugaku and Mikoto went less peacefully, but nothing stopped Shisui when he got up to speed and they went down without too much trouble. Shisui's own parents were a problem. As he nearly lost his nerve when his father took the hit for his mother, giving her a chance to try and talk Shisui down. He'd been trying to avoid that by going for her first. It was too late for her to save herself. He and Itachi had been trying to get their families to see reason for years, and now not even Shisui could save her. That didn't stop him from bawling his eyes out and begging for forgiveness as he lodged his tanto through her chest.

It took him longer to recover from that kill than it had taken him to kill the whole rest of the street after.

Itachi returned exactly as Shisui finished his bloody task. His young cousin was predictable that way, he always returned from his missions exactly when he said he would and Shisui had planned it out accordingly. He looked even more tired than usual, but his eyes were vigilant, so much so that he stopped the moment he stepped through the gate dividing the Uchiha compound and the rest of the Leaf Village. As though the very sight of the sleeping compound told him everything Shisui had done.

The younger Uchiha looked in Shisui's direction at least three times, sensing his presence in the window, but Shisui was too fast for him to get a good look. When it became clear he wasn't going to find the answers he was looking for Itachi broke out in a run, heading home to check on Sasuke. Shisui zipped off to intercept. He had a sickening feeling that the night wouldn't end without a fight.

Itachi nearly plowed him over as Shisui appeared out of nowhere, stopping just in time to avoid a collision.

"You don't want to go that way," Shisui warned trying to keep his face and voice passive. He wasn't sure if it worked, Itachi would have the same look of horror on his face either way.

"Where's Sasuke?" Itachi demanded. His Sharingan whirring in his eyes, triggered by emotion rather than danger. Even now, Itachi knew Shisui wouldn't hurt him.

Shisui said nothing, looking his cousin right in the eyes though every ounce of him wanted to turn away, never had he seen so much raw emotion in those sad eyes. Itachi's breathing hitched and he took a step back as the truth hit him right in the gut.

"You promised," Itachi said childishly, his voice barely over a whisper. It struck Shisui once again that Itachi was only thirteen, barely even a teenager.

"I'm sorry." He knew the apology was pointless, even if he meant it with every fiber of his being. Itachi would never forgive him for this, regardless of how much he apologized. "I had to choose, and I'm more selfish than you thought."

In any other situation, Itachi would have laughed at him. 'Selfish?' he'd say, 'you just murdered your whole family for the village and you think you're selfish?'

Itachi didn't say this, didn't say anything, only stared at Shisui with wide, horrified and tear-filled eyes before pushing past Shisui so hard and so suddenly there was nothing the older Uchiha could do to stop him.

"Itachi!" Shisui could have stopped him again, but instead chose to follow, slower than he should have but faster than he wanted.

He could hear Itachi calling for Sasuke from outside the house and debated not going back in at all. He didn't want to watch and he doubted Itachi wanted him to watch. Regardless of what he wanted he continued inside the house. Its pleasant smelling entryway was dark but he knew where to go. Stopping outside Sasuke's door, trying to not look inside. The door was left open, so it was harder than it should have. Itachi was faced away but Shisui could see Sasuke's raven hair peeking out from Itachi's lap.

"Why?" Itachi asked, his voice strained and quiet.

"I told you," Shisui forced himself to say, al he really wanted was to fall down on his knees and cry, beg for forgiveness, throw himself on one of his own kunai, but he didn't. Itachi needed someone to ground him, to keep him from going too far, Shisui was used to the position. "I'm selfish. They gave me the option to keep one person alive, someone to come back and tell the village what happened." Shisui swallowed, "tell them that I went mad, killed everyone.

"I could let it be Sasuke, he's just a kid. He didn't know anything, and it wouldn't have been hard to convince him that I was truly crazy. I also considered Mom for a moment, then I remembered she was part of the coup to begin with so… Well, that and she might not have told on me to begin with. But in the end, I knew I couldn't kill you, or worse, watch you kill yourself. I'm sorry. I know it's cruel, you don't have to forgive me. But I'm just happy I could save you. This world can't afford to lose people like you, and neither can I." Shisui had practiced this speech hundreds of times since the order came, but it still came out sounding stupid.

"Save me?" Itachi whispered and Shisui could see Sasuke's form be lowered from Itachi's lap. He braced himself, knowing what was coming next, but even so Shisui just barely deflected the five Kunai that came flying at him and even his speed wasn't enough to dodge out of the way as Itachi flew at him driving him straight to the ground.

Shisui had never seen Itachi angry enough to hit someone. The younger Uchiha only ever fought to protect or to complete his mission, but it seemed that he knew how to fight angry too. Shisui didn't defend himself, allowing Itachi to hit him in the hopes that it would make his thirteen-year-old cousin feel even slightly better.

By the time Itachi calmed himself enough to stop Shisui was fairly sure he had a concussion and, looking up into Itachi's tear-filled red eyes, he kinda wished he'd been knocked unconscious.

"I"m sorry, Itachi," Shisui said though it hurt to speak. "I'm not strong enough. I wasn't smart enough to find a peaceful solution and I'm not strong enough to let you die. I know you would have. That's why-" his voice caught again, choking on his own tears, "-why I had to lie to you. I knew if I told you the truth you'd kill yourself so I didn't have to make the choice. I know because I-" Shisui sobbed, "-would have done it myself, if it were me."

Itachi didn't lower the fist he still held in the air. Neither did he climb off Shisui, in fact, he barely even breathed.

"I couldn't let you do that, cuz- because your my little brother and I can't- I just can't…"

Finally, Itachi climbed off him, still saying nothing. Shisui hesitated before pushing himself into a seated position against the nearest wall, curling up over himself in a way that his ninja parents would have been ashamed of.

"There had to be another way," Itachi whispered. "I should have found it, I should have tried harder. I could have-"

"Stop." Shisui uncurled almost relieved now. This he could handle, the guilt, the regret, he couldn't deal with, but comforting Itachi and stopping him from blaming himself, that was easy. Shisui chose to focus on that. "You're only torturing yourself by talking like that. "There was nothing we could do, we tried everything else. The only way to protect the village and the future of the Uchiha is to wipe the slate clean. And Sasuke… that's on me, not you."

"Maybe if I'd just been honest with father…"

"If you'd been honest they'd have shut you out of everything they were planning and you would have been no help to anyone."

"Maybe that would have been better," Itachi pleaded covering his eyes as though they hurt. It was strange to see him so vulnerable. It wasn't the first time Shisui had seen him like this, but it was a rarity. He doubted anyone else had seen it. "Maybe we should have just went along with it, we could handle the village right? Nobody had to die."

"Nobody except the Hokage and all the people trying to defend the Hokage, oh and the Anbu aren't going to just let us take over. And the Jonin, because once everyone else starts fighting they're obligated to join in. I'm sure a few chunin join in the fight too, they'd certainly die. Don't forget all the civilians who just happened to be in the way. And that's all before the other villages found out, do you want me to continue to after?"

Itachi said nothing, he just sat there, curled up and shaking. Hiding his tears from his cousin.

"It doesn't matter, what's done is done. This is the path I've chosen and I believe it will lead to peace so I will continue to follow that path," He reached out a hand for Itachi, "Are you still willing to come with me?"

"Itachi looked up at him with strange eyes. Instead of the tears, Shuisui expected there was blood on his cheeks.

Shisui had to stop himself from laughing. Trust Itachi to feel so guilty about something he didn't even do, about the death of a family that had only ever used him, that it was equal to the loss of his best friend. He kicked himself for not expecting it. Itachi felt too strongly to never feel that much pain. That combined with his rotten luck, it was near impossible for Itachi to never awaken the Mangako. Shisui really should have seen it coming.

"Come on, Little Brother. We still have work to do."

Itachi hesitated for a moment before wiping the blood off his face and grabbing Shisui's hand.

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A/N) If you liked this check out my original works at evelynmichellebooks .com. If you noticed any mistakes or would like to tell me what you thought leave a review below. I read them all.


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